But it’s hard to feel connected.
I love him.
But it’s hard not to be insecure.
I love him.
But I worry I am holding on too tight.
I love him.
That’s why I hold on so tight.
That’s why I feel insecure. Here alone.
That’s why I miss him every second.
I’m separated from my heart, my home.
That’s why I spend my time wishing.
The lead senior on my Chicago engagement asked me today why my timesheet last week seem a little high, considering last Friday we had an in-office training day. I explained to her that my NY counterpart and I worked 13 hours a day for three days. And then on Thursday, i worked 8.5 hours before going to the airport (taking a late flight because I wasn’t allowed to take any earlier flight even though all my Chicago counterparts were out drinking with the office), then I worked on the plane for an hour, then I got home and worked until 3am.
I edited myself to exclude the part that the ruthless manager told me I had to get an impossible number of documents to him that Friday morning, forcing me to work until I literally passed out from fatigue, even though he didn’t even look at any of it until Sunday night.
Then he emails me today about all these things I still need to do to revise the memo I wrote (13 pages in 15 hours of technical accounting resolutions) and says I needed to address them today even though he has no idea if I’m on another job or not.
I kindly replied that I am feeling sick and may be able to get on a call with him but I will be unable to agree to a 24 hour turnaround.
And it’s a wonder that I’m sick. No, wait, it’s pretty obvious the manager deliberately ran me into the ground with no thought for my health. If I could report that man to HR, I would.
This quote could not ring more true in my life right now. I have come to realize that I need to trust the universe more, because things always always work out. The universe takes care of us, if we let it.
If I got everything I wanted and asked for, I’d be miserably unhappy with someone who is toxic to my life. Instead, God gave me the man of my dreams when I least expected it. I didn’t even want him to ask me out after I gave him my number. And now he is the love of my life. Sometimes, you should go against your desires and let God do his work. Sometimes, you have to stop trying so hard.
We fought, I cried, he apologized, and we talked and talked and talked. Its better, we’ve made up and all, but I hate that I can’t be in his arms right now. Whenever we fight, I feel like we really need to be together for me to feel all right with the world. It just takes some getting used to knowing that that can’t be.
I’ve been feeling neglected by my boyfriend all week. Not entirely his fault since this week has been crazy at work for both of us and by the time I can call him, it’s super late (for him since I was in a different time zone). But I’ve been trying to respect his “I don’t always need the play by play of your day” wishes (i.e. his unsuccessful attempt at subtle cues to tell him I text him too much). And I try to edit myself, lest he feel demoralized when I have negative things to say about my days. He’s my support but I feel unsupported in the parts I need support for the most. I need to be myself, the struggles I have in this difficult transition included, but I feel less and less of myself just trying to make sure he doesn’t hurt from watching me struggle. His blissful ignorance doesn’t mean I don’t struggle.
Every day just ends in me forgetting what I want to tell him on our FaceTimes where he’s visibly struggling to stay awake and I just want to have another minute on the phone with him while I try to remember. But I feel guilty and let him sleep.
Then we don’t talk from 2:30pm yesterday until I call him at almost midnight on my way home from dinner and drinks with the girls. I’ve been gushing all night about him to my girls and just want to get home to talk to him. I realize when he answers that he’s out with his friends. I want him to have fun out with friends, so I don’t want to keep him on the phone. I feel like I’ve disturbed him since he’s very sterile in conversation, so I just let him go and carry on. He doesn’t do that when I call him while he’s out with his best friends though. Oh well. But I can’t stay up waiting for him to come home.
So then in my irrational thoughts and valid frustrations, I start wondering why he tells me he’s just out with a friend in a solemn voice rather then tell me who he’s with. I know all his good friends. I trust him but I’m thinking irrationally. He wouldn’t cheat on me but what if he doesn’t want the people he’s with to know he’s got an out-of-state girlfriend?! What does that imply? I trust him. He loves me. But the insecurities creep in. What if he ran into his ex-girlfriend and she’s reminding him of why he loved her in the first place?
I put myself to bed. My sister had already tried to reassure me. To no avail. In the morning I text him but it’s early so I don’t expect a reply. I go back to sleep. And wake up again to my insecurities at 9:45. I send him a funny video on FB and notice he was active 5 hours ago. He went out hard last night. It irks me slightly and revs up my insecurities. So I decide to call him anyways.
My insecurities melt away but my feelings of neglect don’t. I obviously woke him up but I decide I don’t feel bad about it because I feel neglected. I’m going to make him stay awake for me. I find out he has been out with friends including girls. They’re not close friends so I don’t know them. The way he describes last night’s encounters insinuates a little flirting. Which I don’t mind generally but lately, he’s not given me the kind of attention he’s given those girls. Though he prob thinks it’s just friendly banter. Regardless, in my feelings of neglect, yes I feel a little jealous that this other girl gets the attention he should been giving me. I’ve felt like I’ve been forcing him to connect with me all week and it makes me sad. And some other girl gets his undivided energetic attention on a Friday night and he prob didn’t even tell them about me. Pangs of jealousy are decidedly valid.
So I finally give into the guilt of keeping him awake against his clear desires and let him off the phone to sleep more. He’s not even trying to hide it. I feel like that every day these days. I need a little more effort from him to hide his desires against what he acts like I’m forcing him to do. He doesn’t like to text so much during the day but then it’s too much effort to FaceTime when he’s tired at night.
He promises to call later after the gym but the damage is done. I feel like an afterthought in his life while we aren’t in the same state. Like an intruder. I’ve told him bye and hung up immediately the last couple times without telling him I love him and that’s uncharacteristic of me, but I am sure he hasn’t noticed.
I start forcing myself to imagine my life without him and I feel crushed. It’s probably just the beginnings of what will be a fight and we will be ok tomorrow. But I feel like I’m forcing him to try and I don’t want that. I won’t walk away and I won’t let him either. But something has to change. Something has to give and I don’t believe it should be me.
Worked til 2:50 am because my manager said I had to provide “just 3 things” which actually means 3 lists of things by the morning. He is aware we are leaving to be at early morning mandatory events for work. He told me of these 3 things 5 min before I left for the airport at 4:30 for my flight. He was well aware that business travel late in the day as he required (though protocol is to let us fly mid afternoon to get home at a reasonable time) means that I wouldn’t return from the flight home on the business trip til 11.
He also increased my assignment twofold yesterday at 6pm. I was given no other help to do this job. My coworker had a project of equivalent size but more visibility and insight into the systems and was given an extra week and 3 other people. I was given 3 days for half the project and less than 24 hours for the rest.
I killed that project. But I left with one thought.
He’s an asshole and he’s another reason I want to leave this firm.