Dream big. Dream without fear.

This is MY year(s) of big risks and big rewards, and of me standing up for myself and my happiness. Feel free to join in my journey.

(Have questions? Press the ask button or email strawberrykiwilife@gmail.com)

I haven’t gotten over the lunatic that tried to buzz my apartment at 3:30am. So last night, I’m all tense. Still scared. Then I just get comfortable enough to nearly drift off and I hear a girl scream 4 times. Like she’s being attacked but by the time I figure it out, it’s quiet again. I’m hysterical. I call my boyfriend. I’m a puddle.

I think I’m going to need some serious therapy for this.

It startled me the first time. He called twice. Then it stopped. Five min later, he dialed me again twice. Then shook the gate. Freaked me out.

Why my number? Yeah maybe it’s random but he stopped after just dialing me. So it seemed deliberate. And if he followed a tenant into the building and dialed me for a reason? Then he’s coming to my door. I know it’s locked but it’d be so much easier to break in then.

I got spooked. I called my boyfriend who stayed on the phone with me for 45 minutes. But I could tell he thought I was being overly paranoid, like clearly nothing would happen to me. What could he do anyways? He lives a thousand miles away.

He kept asking me if I am ok. Hell no I’m not ok. And the answer won’t change just because he keeps asking. It’s almost 5am and I’m waking up in 3 hrs. And I’m scared to go back to sleep.

Sweetest boyfriend in the world.

I’m so spoiled.

They really need to stop.

We’ve gotten creative. You have to in a long distance relationship, I’ve found. Its gut wrenching to not have him be there and not be there for all the things we go through. It makes a world of difference to be there in person at the end of every day just to feel the love and the intricacies of the emotion. But we make do. We have to because there is no alternative for us. And we get creative. We have to.

It started with movie dates. We find a movie we both want to watch and were waiting to see together. We buy tickets to see it in theaters nearby to us and each go see it solo around the same time (give or take an hour).

That went really well. We went to see Hundred Foot Journey, which happened to be a movie pretty much made for the two of us.

Then he came up with froyo dates after we discovered that there is a Yogurtland (one of our favorite froyo places back home and conveniently the closest one to his house) a block and a half from me.

It was cute. We got our usual flavors and toppings. Sat and ate in front of one another. He ate it too fast like he always does. Then sat and watched me eat slowly after he was done like he always does. It felt nice. It felt familiar.

I lamented that I’ve been watching my HS friend post what she does with her boyfriend on FB (she lives in Manhattan too). They went to Central Park and took advantage of the beautiful weather today.

Oh, how I wish we could’ve done the same. We don’t get that anymore. There aren’t any unplanned, spontaneous Sundays. Even our nights in or laziness is planned. You have to when you want to take advantage of every moment. You have to CHOOSE what is more important for that specific time/visit. Experiencing a certain place? Staying in? Its all planned. You have to sacrifice because yes, we can try to do it all, but not in one week, month, or even year. Things we want to do — staying in, going to certain restaurants, bars, parks, and so on — all have to go on a list that we might get through by the end of next year IF nothing else gets added to it. 

I wish I wasn’t jealous. I’m glad my friend and her boyfriend get that. I just miss it. No one realizes how much simple things get taken for granted until they’re gone. The distance robbed so much from us. We’re still surviving and we will continue to, but the fact that we don’t get that sort of simple luxury for at least another 2 years saddens me. It feels like a constant uphill battle. Like we’re constantly fighting the current. Makes me wonder if we’ll make it. I’ll do everything I can with everything I’ve got to make sure we make it and I know he will too, but sometimes I wonder if that’s enough.

I didn’t tell him that last part. I told him of my jealousy of my HS friend. 

We’re stuck between a rock and hard place. Discomfort for the foreseeable future.

But we make do and we get creative.

For now, we’ll do cute things like movie dates and froyo dates and hope that’s enough and hope for the day that we can have the simple luxuries of spontaneity and unplanned relaxation and laziness again.

I have to stop having super realistic nightmares in which my boyfriend leaves me. I woke up today really thinking it was true. I was devastated. Stop it, subconscious. You’re going to drive me to insanity.

At least I made it back to my apartment after I walked him down the block to hail a cab before the waterworks hit me hard.

My apartment feels cold and lifeless without him. Like my birthday flowers that withered and died away in a week’s time, so must he go. 

It never gets easier.

3 and a half more weeks. They seem so unbearable.

He leaves in less than 24 hours and I just don’t want him to go.

Sorry for the delayed response. I’ve been selfishly soaking up all this time up with my Prince Charming.

In fact, this is probably the only stretch of time I’m without him (approx an hour). And only because I passed out after our lunch adventure to Chelsea Market’s Los Tacos No. 1 (favorite tacos) and the nearby Blue Bottle Coffee Shop (favorite coffee). I let him go wander the 34th St Uniqlo while I recover from last night’s drinking with a nap. I’m not hungover but I sleep badly whenever I drink more than a teeny bit.

After I finish my nap, I will be insisting on reuniting with him and not leaving his side for the rest of his New York vacation.