Classic movie night in my sweats. I cooked up a storm. Made brunch plans with my mom. Listened to Lou Doillon on repeat. Now it’s time to watch Hitchcock’s To Catch a Thief with the incredibly handsome Cary Grant and the effortless Grace Kelly.
Love classic movies. Love Hitchcock movies. Love nights alone with Cary Grant.
A year ago today (well technical yesterday now), I had my heart broken by my heart’s closest romantic companion in its 25 year history. I had lost the romantic side of me years prior and he brought that back. He taught me how I should expect a man to treat me and that I should tolerate nothing less.
But at the end of the day, I knew it was never going to work. We were doomed from the moment I met him. I don’t regret choosing to proceed with the us despite knowing it all. But the end was for the best.
A year after I lost my grandmother, we flew back to Taiwan to engage in certain ceremonies required of us. It was for the recognition of the 1 year anniversary of her passing. I used it as a kind of celebration of her life. What little I knew of it. I appreciated her with every moment spent on her.
I’ve come to realize this tradition’s symbolism. It is recognition and appreciation of the good we had before loss/tragedy. A way to remember the good and cherish and preserve it. Honor it.
I don’t want to compare my short relationship to my grandmother’s passing. There is no comparison. That’s insulting. Yet this concept in the scheme of grief and loss in general is incredibly interesting and worth visiting.
He was — no — we were a loss that I was unable to handle appropriately for quite awhile. So this is my 1 year mark. This day in relation to a year ago symbolizes much. In my heart. Allows me to cherish what I had and leave the ache behind. For real this time.
Honestly, I thought about this and had deep philosophical comments about the two of us this morning, then I lost it all. It all faded away with my day. And maybe that’s for the best. For the best that I was so insanely busy. That my grips of the day were a short dentist appt for my crown and painful yet beautiful heels - both of which my mother would say is quite appropriate if she knew the significance of this day. Then I kept busy by going to a mixer to mentor my alma mater’s business school students and then working out.
My brother has started me on the Couch to 5K workout plan he has been doing. He egged me to start today and I sure am glad I did. I feel great. And I think that’s a fitting way to end a year of heartbreak recovery. I realized these last couple weeks that I finally don’t think of him multiple times a day. I did before but didn’t think much of it. His memory doesn’t affect me anymore, but they would still linger. Last couple weeks, nope. And it has nothing to do with the boys in my life (current and recently dropped off) because I haven’t seen either in most the time I’ve noticed this new trend. God has made it so and I feel blessed and at peace. It’s so relieving. I hope it stays this way.
I need to do more things I love. Dancing, rock climbing, tennis of course, cooking, smiling. My insane work schedule shouldn’t ruin that.
Though maybe I could do without buying everything I want though. I spent a BUNCH of $$$ on BaubleBar’s site for Cyber Monday. Eep.
Used my apt complex gym for the first time tonight.
I’ve had an incredibly hard day. Stress from a million sides - most of which is work related. But obviously a little was related to ego beating from the situation with the Architect.
The last time I was this frustrated - no, ANGRY - it was at my old company over some drama BS my senior was subjecting me to. I don’t remember details, but I do remember the feeling. Of pure pent up rage and nowhere to put it. No way to dissipate it into.
So I hopped on the treadmill. Ran farther and longer than I had ever. First time I had run that long without stopping. I don’t even remember how long. I just remember how proud I was. Thought I should get angry like that more often.
Even through all the shit I was subsequently subjected to (up until today), I was never able to channel that level of pent up rage again.
I thought I had gotten to it tonight. I was excited to let it out. But 1) It took time to drive home then change and put together a workout playlist and by then some of the rage had dissipated and 2) I haven’t run in at least half a year, probably closer to a year.
So I did my sprints and I did pretty well for the first time in a long time. The last time I channeled that rage, I had been running regularly. So I was pretty proud. Obviously I need to work back up to my former glory, but good start. Gotta start somewhere, right?
I told First about the shit that happened today. Told him I was off to work out - he’s always been great about motivating me. He told me to kill it. He knows exactly how to bounce back from anything by working out. I mentioned I had done 500 crunches (on a yoga ball cause that doesn’t hurt my spine and doesn’t cause me to pull on my neck). He said if I can do 500 crunches, I’m not challenging myself.
Well it’s a start, right? I will be hurting tomorrow. But it will feel great. I’m off to do some planks. Once I did a 4 minute plank because the Spartan workout of the day told me to. It hurt for 3 days straight. That’s the goal.
The Architect is no longer in my life. Long story short, I texted this morning to make sure that we were still on for tonight as we had agreed. He never responded.
So I gave him til 4pm then said I’d write him off for good.
Came and went. Goodbye Architect. But I was really confused as to why he would claim to adore me then blow me off.
Come to find out from my TSq counterpart that he’s dating another girl but she didn’t want to say anything because she said the other girl was an airhead and wouldn’t last very long.
My friend was asking if I’m upset. Really, I’m relieved that its not me. That its not because of me that he stopped contacting me. It would bruise my ego for him to stop liking me for any random reason. I know I’m hot. But if its because of another girl - if she’s hotter - that’s whatever. I don’t get jealous of other girls unless they come try to take guys I’m in a relationship with. And that’s more getting upset because I’m being disrespected than anything else. Girls are hot and I have no reason to compete. I’m smart and super hot. I’m confident of that.
Does my ego bruise a little cause he picked her over me then blew me off? Sure, a little. But whatever. I have another too. I’m really just incredibly annoyed that he blew me off.
I had already decided to drop him when he didn’t text me back.